Listening to the Music

Greetings from Albuquerque, NM! Currently, I'm in my hotel room (The Plaza Inn), watching some TV and awaiting a call from Jory and Jake to see if we're going to go do anything today!

Yesterday was Jory's birthday, and I figured that since she doesn't know anybody out here, save for her boyfriend, I would come out and celebrate it with her. Best friend and all that, I figured I should do that.

Albuquerque, I'll say, is an interesting town. I've seen college campuses, and the places around them...but only in Albuquerque have I seen the entirety of college attractions compressed onto one street. Bars (upscale and hole-in-the-wall...next to each other!), Starbucks, Restaurants, shopping areas...all located on Central and compressed. Apparently, there's also a very fine line between the upscale area and the "War Zone" ghetto. Luckily, I haven't been into the "War Zone."

So I left Plano around 4:45 a.m. yesterday, and got into ABQ (too long to type the whole friggin' thing) around 3 p.m.! I made good time apparently. We hung around Jake's apartment, played some cards, then went out to dinner, and visited the Urban Outfitters that had just opened. I got Ray's birthday gift there.

Jory found out that the Starbucks she's been trying to transfer to out here is having a hiring event (which is ass backwards, because she's been trying to transfer in for about two months...now they're having a hiring event?!) and I'm going to go along with her to see if I can put in some good words and get her hired over there. Don't know what else is planned.

Tomorrow, I'm headed out to Lubbock. I realize I have completely forgotten to mention what's going on with Rachel...which, really, isn't a lot...she has still been throwing me back and forth, so really, the reason I'm going over there is to tell her to stop and that I'm done with that. It sucks really, because we did have such a strong connection when we started talking...and now she's so indecisive as to what she wants.

For instance, she asked me why I would even come down there...then she said that she still didn't see any kind of future there whatsoever. She doesn't think we could really go anywhere, or be anything...this was immediately followed by the question of when I was leaving on Tuesday. When I said around 9 or 10, she immediately said "10." I said that was fine...but that I did have to get back to Plano in time for Ray's birthday, to which she said "You can tell him that your woman in Lubbock said you have to stay." To which my mind exploded and said "WTF?!?!?!" Sooo I'm done with that. HA I'll let you all know how THAT goes.

Agent still hasn't found me work. I'm kind of hesitant to get on their case about it, because I don't want to seem like an annoying jerk and therefore not get work...but...I'm just so antsy...plus I was kind of hoping for more stuff to add to my resume, and to get money by doing what I want to do. I'm not counting on acting by any means as a steady source of income - but it'd be nice additional!!

Ay me...I think I've had enough of this "One-day-at-a-time" thing...time to start being OCD about planning my life again several months in advance.

Greetings again, from the store that made me famous...kinda.

Anyways, my life, as I described to a customer, has reached a plateau. Nothing new...nothing exciting...heck, even the drama of a lack of a relationship isn't much of a factor in the last three days. Some of that's good, some of that's bad.

I really kind of wish I could have seriously been offered a substitute teaching position at Bishop Lynch...they had me fill out an application, and it seemed that it would be 'in the bag' so to speak because the biggest pushers would be my choir and theatre teachers...but alas, no call. It would be nice, though, knowing that I had another source of income.

I've also been dealing with what to do about a friend who has suddenly shut off to me. We were doing excellently for about a month, talking, conversing, laughing...the whole thing really reminded me of my relationship with Smash and Jory...all of a sudden, about three days ago, she's just become very very distant. Closed off...she's even acknowledged it, but she can't put her finger on it, but still insists that nothing specifically is wrong. It hurts though, because it's like having just suddenly lost someone you thought you knew and now it just seems like that person won't...talk to you. I just want to know what happened. I just...don't know what to do. It's a situation I haven't exactly been placed in before - a friend who doesn't know what's wrong, there's obviously something occupying her thoughts, won't open up to me about it, but still insists that there's nothing weird...it's a confusing situation just to describe! I suppose the only thing I can do is just...be here...for her, whatever it is.

I'm going to go forage for food.

--{{Matt}}--

So I have a conundrum.

Jason Mraz is coming to town, October 23rd...tickets? $80 a piece. Good concert? Hell yeah.

Stone Temple Pilots PLUS THE OFFSPRING at Edgefest 18. Tickets? $70 a piece. Good concert? HELL YEAH.

If it were just me going, I'd do both...but I can't stand going to concerts alone (unfortunate Shannon incident) and so need someone else to go with me...and pay for their ticket. WHO'S GAME?!?!

This is ridiculous. Here's an update on my ever-tumultuous relationship life.

Matt likes girl.
Girl has boy.
Girl likes Matt, too, but...
Girl realizes moral problems and implications if she pursued something with Matt.
Matt cringes inside, knowing there's no chance.
Matt becomes a glutton for punishment while taking Girl to go shopping for her and her boy's one-year anniversary present.
Matt dies inside.

As if that weren't enough, I got an e-mail from MEG about 10 minutes ago. All it said was this:

"In your livejournal info, it still says you're dating Meg."

SO! I WANT EVERYONE TO GO TO MY USER INFO AND LOOK AT IT. I CHANGED IT. IN CASE NO ONE KNEW, I'M NO LONGER DATING MEGAN DUKE.

What a FUCKING BITCH.

Happy note: One of my friends from college writes her own music and has a myspace up: <a href="http://www.myspace.com/jessicalynnharp>Jessica Harp</a>

So it's tax-free weekend, and I have discovered something rather frustrating...it's not the lines. It's not the crowds. It is actually a completely unrelated to 'tax-free' problem...I went to 6 stores today and could NOT find a black, short-sleeve, button down shirt to wear to work!!! NOT AT ALL. I was kinda upset. I don't really NEED one, so much as would like to have another option besides Polo shirts. *sigh* I did pick up some black jeans and some SUPER faded blue jeans. Yippee.

Going to the Rangers game on Tuesday night. I might be more excited if the Rangers were...winning. But as is the case with the Texas crew after the All-Star break, they start LOSING, badly. At least I'll be able to go see my favorite player - Ian Kinsler. What a star. :)

New Talent Orientation for Core Talent is on Wednesday. Ha, seems like another busy week for me. Oh shoot...I need to reformat my resume...

Um...have fun everyone!!! Have a great weekend.

--{{Matt}}--

My days go quickly. I think I'm supposed to be getting together with two of the guys in the 'band' next week or something...I have all these ideas for song lyrics...and none of them are actually coming together. Shame.

The week after that, I'm going to a Rangers game with the family! That will be great, especially since they are great seats.

I've been hanging out with a few new people lately...by a few, I mean two. Both girls - I've also realized that the two or three guy friends I have are either really busy, or probably don't want to hang out with me...I just don't hang out well with guys? Yeah. Anyways, I love both of 'em...they're pretty great in their own ways.

I wish I could feel appreciated when I do good things. I now constantly get the feeling that people think I'm creepy when I do nice things for them. Great.

I really hope that music and the baseball game will be good for me. Music is pretty much like a drug - when it's playing, I feel so good, my spirits get lifted - when the music stops playing, I start thinking about everything again. I wish I could find that happy spot I was in about 3 months ago.

On an up note - As of August 20th, I will officially be represented by Core Talent Agency. Excited? I think so. :) Exciting career moves ahead!

So in the past 6 months, in terms of new people in my life, a good majority of them don't seem to like when I ask them how they're doing.

Let me explain. Sure, the people in question are girls...and girls I have an interest in. So...when one falls sick, I become concerned...this is not really limited to girls I have an interest in, but really any of my friends. I want to know how they're doing, if they need anything, if they're feeling any better.

Sure, I allow enough time for 'feeling better' to happen. On top of that, though, apparently contacting them once a day, just to say hi, or to see if their day is going well, is a wrong move on my part? Is that truly 'obsessive'?

I thought it was smiled upon when a guy showed sensitivity...in the last 6 months or so (even dating back to last year I guess), I have been frowned upon when I ask how one is doing.

I know I can be a clingy person...I like attention. But is reciprocating attention the wrong way to go? Would it be better, say, if I were the typical guy who was just indifferent and, instead of being concerned when a lady of interest is sick, I just grunt and say "Huh, that sucks...what do you want for lunch?"

Or maybe I'm just taking interest in the wrong girls right now...or maybe I'm trying to play it like my last relationship, where I did see the person every day.

Or maybe I should just be anti-social for a bit and shy away from anybody new. Too much, too fast? *sigh* I don't know.

Oh, and for the record...Rachel and I aren't really 'boyfriend/girlfriend'...it's an...awkward situation. As stated on facebook, "It's Complicated"...I think technically, I'm able to date around...but after today, I'm not entirely sure I really want to anymore. Which, I'm sure most of you would say, is quite alright too.

Too bad I'm emotionally dependent. Yes, it's a 'Cancerian' trait.

I won't be posting for a while...busy two weeks.

Just want to say this:

Chad Smith is the GREATEST drummer to live.

Birthday? Satisfying. WALL-E is great, The Forbidden Kingdom, not so much. Saw Iron Man again with the family, and stayed through the credits this time!!! Awesome.

I unfortunately had to go to the doctor yesterday too...to get some weird growth on my arm removed. That was...not fun.

Also bought I'm Not There, Reign Over Me, and Lars and the Real Girl, all of which I plan to watch within the next week.

I did receive the best birthday present EVER today. Rachel surprised me at work!!! She came in, to say hi...I was so happy to see her and her smile...:) I'm gushy.

--{{Matt}}--

23. A movie's been made about the number, not many people are hyped about it...and I am it today. 23.

I will be spending most of the day with my family...probably all of it, honestly. We'll be seeing movies and eating and all sorts of fun stuff like that...not a bad birthday, but...well, not the best...I'm not complaining really. I just...well, I really would like to just see Rachel. Doesn't even have to be for that long. Heck, if I could see her smile...that would be great.

As it is, I think my sister and I are going to see Get Smart, WALL-E, and maybe rent something from Blockbuster. Later tonight...I don't know what the family has planned for me. Probably just dinner and a movie.

I will reflect more on life later...including the strange irony God seems to have planned for this year in my life. For now...thank you all for being a part of my life...however much of a part you've played in it...thank you, thank you, and thank you. I love you all.

--{{Matt}}--

In a once safe middle class community, a new cocaine/diet drug compound begins seeping into it's youth. The new drug is cheap, simple, addictive and attractive. A combination that causes an explosion in distribution that over powers any attempts at regulation. With teens dying weekly and without any class prejudice (the drug is especially popular with teenage girls as a highly effective and pleasurable way to lose weight), a fresh faced private investigator is hired to study the epidemic from the inside at a local high school.
The 23 year old private eye begins the spring semester as Jack Early, a 17 year old senior who has recently moved to town. While he assimilates with the students and gains a reputation as a hardcore partier, he begins to uncover it's drug trade. However, it soon becomes apparent that every friend and contact made now is doomed to be labeled a criminal or worse, a narc. His mission soon goes from observation, to involvement, to a juggling act of lies maintaining lies.

THROWN is an ensemble drama which tells the story of the dealers, users, regulators and all those caught in the cross fire. This movie explores the feasibility of zero tolerance attitudes and what happens when consequences of such attitudes overshadow the benefits.
THROWN will be the first feature length movie by screenwriter/actor Jef Erwin and director/cinematographer Justin Walker. The movie is currently in pre-production with completion estimated in the winter of 2008.

I suppose I know the full on answer to a question that has been dancing back and forth in my mind for a few months. Meg will never be my friend.

I suppose we should have known it would come to that, but apparently, the effort of trying to think of me in a positive way whilst not having any contact with me for the last two months was too much of a strain for her.

It is a sad moment for me. I thought MAYBE Meg would be someone to be valuable friends with. I have no doubts that she will find her way to read this journal and see this entry, but...I am saddened by the fact that I probably turned her into a crazed paranoid person.

Anyone that knows me knows that I hate being disliked by anyone...this kind of hits a little harder than most unknowns.

Anyways...not looking for sympathy or anything...just thought I should update you 6 or 7 people on how that front is going...

WOW. So I had an audition for a movie called "THROWN" last week in Fort Worth...I thought I SUCKED it up big time. Seriously thought I bombed and made myself look like a doofus. Instead...I am a lock for a supporting role in the movie, and I may be getting the lead male character if they don't find someone else suitable. Freaking sweet!!!!!!

I'll post more of a description of the thing later...but that's the big news!!!

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I get to see her...however briefly it is, I will get to see her, and it will be great. :)

--{{Matt}}--

WOW. I'm never having another day like that again. I, for the first time in a VERY long time, sat around and did NOTHING worth anything. I surfed the web, re-watched TV episodes, and checked facebook, myspace, LJ, and Rachel's pleonast journal about 14 BILLION times. I feel like a slob.

I hate not doing anything. It makes me feel quite worthless.

Actually...towards the end of the day, I got an e-mail from a Craig's List posting about a V.O. opportunity, so I recorded a couple of things for that and sent it off. Who knows if I'll get any part of it or not, but that was somewhat satisfying.

Hmm...two more days until I see Rachel again...she had her wisdom teeth taken out yesterday and hasn't been at work all week. It sucks because I can't be anywheres near her to help her with anything, and I can't call or text to check up on her. Murrh.

I came to the realization that next week I'll be paying my LAST rent on the apartment I've been 'living' in for the last two years. Interesting how quickly that chapter in life crept up on its end. :/

Okay...I suppose since I haven't done anything, I'll just go to bed. o.o Sheesh.

--{{Matt}}--

Soo...I just worked a shift at the store next to Barnes & Noble's on Park and Preston. When I took the shift, I was already down on hours because I had given up about 2 to go to an audition (which I tanked...boo), and I thought "Ok, I can help someone out and pick up some hours! Money is good."

I got there today and the shift on duty there informed me:

Her: "Okay, so you know about the book signing right?"
Me: "...what?"
Her: "There's a book signing thing tonight. Janet Evanovich is here...we're expecting about 800 people."
Me: ".........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her: "Don't worry, I set you up, there's so much prep!"
Me *dumbfounded look*

I suppose that's why the guy "couldn't work his shift" tonight. Sheesh...luckily, it wasn't really 800 people in the store...I'm sure there were 800 people total that attended, but it was still going on by the time I left. It was RIDICULOUS. Honestly, even if the guy had told me that there was a book signing with a lot of people, I still wouldn't have minded taking the shift...but I don't like those kind of surprises, y'know? Oy.

Anyways, I have an agency interview tomorrow afternoon! Page Parkes agency is the name...I don't quite know what to expect...I only got the e-mail yesterday. I just know I have to bring my head shots and my resume. :/...wish me luck?

I have to find a way to get Meg her couch back...that should be difficult because I'm pretty sure she hates my guts and never wants to talk to me again...but I really don't want to keep the couch...and I really don't want an awkward encounter in Denton. murrh.

Lastly, words cannot express how much I miss Rachel right now. She surprised me by calling from a friend's phone (she's in Lubbock for orientation)...and it was great. I'm excited about the Fall, and I'm trying to discipline myself to be able to go long periods without seeing her...it's a new experience...I'm used to seeing the person I'm dating everyday...or at least TALKING to them. But once she gets to Lubbock for school, we'll at least be able to talk more. I've got a great surprise lined up for her birthday though! Can't wait to see her reaction.

Mmk, gonna go print some head shots and resumes.

--{{Matt}}--

Woke up in the middle of the night because of a stupid dream involving the ex. I was so frustrated!!!

Tormented by dreams at a quarter to three
Wondering why you still have a hold on me.
I never want to see your face again
But it takes 5 minutes to wish I was dead.

Dreams from nowhere turn into nightmares
Shred my mind to pieces, leaving no traces there

Staring at the ceiling at a quarter to three
30 minutes ago it wasn't you, it was she
that filled my mind putting me at peace
But it takes 5 minutes to make my heart bleed.

Get out, get out of my head
You don't belong here, I don't belong here
I'm here for a new start, you've got to fade
No more collecting from the price I've paid.

Out, out. PLEASE out.

Simple Plan's new single "Your Love is a Lie" is EXACTLY what they should have been doing from the start. So much better than their old stuff. It might be emo, but it at least doesn't have that WHINY sound that songs like "Perfect" had.

Duffy is really starting to grow on me.

City Sleeps, Apocalyptica, Foxboro Hot Tubs, Atreyu, Ludo = need to look more into

Um...really want to go to Stone Temple Pilots on Sunday the 29th...anyone want to go with me? If so, let me know because I have to ask dear Ashley if we can switch a day somewhere...:)

Hey! I'm back home. The road trip was fun, saw some great sites, ate some AWESOME food (Lobster in Maine = love), aaaand was sick for most of it. Ha, yeah, my family and I were sick pretty much since Tuesday. There's a lot of stuff to say, and I don't feel like going into it all JUST this minute, so I won't, but key takeaways from the trip are:

-Fenway Park is BEAUTIFUL
-Busch Stadium serves some weird food at the baseball games (Stir Fry, stone-oven pizzas...wtf?)
-"Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love" is a LIE DIRTY LIE
-Annapolis is gorgeous...and I may travel there more often.
-Ben and Jerry's "ONE Cheesecake Brownie" ice cream gave my sister and I food poisoning so...no more of that.

Ha, maybe I'll elaborate more on those stories later. Since I've gotten back, already some interesting stuff has happened. Adriana's dad is better now, so that's good...Jory's graduation plans are...shall we say, on hold unfortunately, that's bad. Smash still isn't having any luck speeding up her departure to Alaska to be with her husband, which is bad, but that might change by the end of the week!

AAAAND...Rachel is getting to go to Texas Tech!! There was some doubt, but now the plan is fully into motion. I'm still restricted on seeing her (random trips into Hobby Lobby are good though, hehe), but perhaps when she gets out to Lubbock and I go out there every now and then to see her, things will be better. I'm reminded of a section in the book I just finished reading The Art of Racing in the Rain (GREAT book by the way), where a dad fighting for custody of his daughter gets renewed strength every time he sees her. That's how I feel every time I see Rachel. Her reaction to my arrival and the subsequent brief conversations we have get me through to the next time. Yesterday, since we came back early, I went up to her work to surprise her. She wasn't thinking I'd get in until tomorrow, so she was SUPER surprised to see me. Her face got all red and it was cute. After she was done closing, I sat with her in the parking lot for about 30 minutes and got to talk to her, catch up on things, etc. so that was quite pleasant.

She surprised me during my trip by sending a text message from Smash's phone (her parents track EVERYTHING), and that was a GREAT thing to wake up from a road nap to. Then seeing her reaction last night was pretty much a week-maker. Heh, we were both shaking from excitement...alright, enough of that...don't want you guys to throw up from my gushing.

I'm going to try and restart my lifestyle. Eat healthier, exercise (just to tone up...probably will help casting wise), take more acting jobs, get organized. We'll see how that goes though.

Speaking of acting jobs - if anyone is in the area Wednesday night, the casting director of the film I'll be an extra in (A Tribute to Big Red) is looking for A LOT of extras for a scene at The Majestic in Dallas. The dress is super formal (it's an awards ceremony), and there'll be a few celebrity cameos (they didn't tell me who). It's from 3 p.m. until whenever they get done, but if you want more details, leave a comment, and I'll tell you everything.

I'm also hoping to reconcile with people from my past. I've already made peace with two of them, and there's I think three or four more I'd like to get back in touch with and see what's going on with them. It's good not to have shadows in the past or skeletons in the closet, or what have you.

I've also been thinking about possibly getting a second bachelor's in Accounting. I was going to minor in Accounting, but I couldn't because of a prerequisite class that would have required me to stay an extra year - something I really didn't want to do. It's definitely an idea that is in it's earliest stages of development. Nothing definite, but something to toss around in my head.

That seems to be all the news that comes out of my head today...so I'll talk to you all soon!

--{{Matt}}--

Well...a lot has happened in two weeks. I'm updating from New Stanton, Pennsylvania tonight. I'm with my family and we're on vacation. We've already done a lot!!! Seen the St. Louis Arch, gone to a Cardinals game at Busch stadium (The Cards got themselves WHOOPED 14-4...but I got a hat!!!), and went to the Bowling Hall of Fame and saw Dad's name in the database of 300-game bowlers.

Coolest part so far has got to have been the Bowling Hall of Fame. But that's because I'm a daddy's boy. It was pretty cool listening to him tell stories of his interactions with Hall of Famers as a kid. I know that nobody else I know will no any of those guys, but I knew who they were, and my dad was taught by them, hung out with them, looked up to them...it was great.

Today we spent most of the day driving, but tomorrow we're going to the Flight 93 memorial, then driving over to Cooperstown before staying in New York for the night...the next few days we'll be in Boston!

Um...things with Rachel are a bit...complicated. Her parents have forbidden her to see me...slight...age complications. But I've been dropping by in secret at her work, and well...we're going to wait things out and see what happens...We're pretty into each other. :)

I've been thinking a lot about my faith lately...I think I'm going to start trying to go back to church more. Not...more necessarily, just on a weekly basis like I had been doing.

Um...pictures will probably be posted on Myspace or facebook or maybe even here!!!

Please pray for/send good thoughts towards:

-Smash so that the Army will give her a definitive answer as to when she'll be able to go up and be with her husband
-Adriana because her entire family is going through a rough period with her dad being terminally ill
-Jory and Rachel and anyone else taking finals this week
-My situation...if you all have time and energy...:) Thanks.

Might be updating later from Boston! See you all later!

--{{Matt}}--

What is going on, people on my friends' list? And by that, I really mean Emily, Chrysta, Eric, Kim and Miranda!!! Life on the graduate side of things is...relaxing. It's a bit strange, but I'm actually keeping myself busier than I intended to be.

I've picked up half of my room, sent out demos, resumes, and head shots to 4 agencies (two more in a little bit), I'm dating a pretty fantastic girl, and am in the process of working a 44-45 hour week! SWEET.

The room thing is something I've REALLY been meaning to work on, and I hope to have it completely picked up and re-organized by the time my family and I head up to Boston for a vacation. That'll be nice. The first real vacation I've had since the store opened in '05. I'm quite excited! I've never walked around the Boston or Chicago area (we're making a small stop in Chicago), but the 'fame' of those two towns makes me feel like I'll like them. I know we're also going to be driving into Maine to have lobster...and I'm probably going to be about 100 pounds heavier by the time I get back because I'm going to EAT like nobody's business. Fenway Park should be INCREDIBLE.

Anybody know how to upload sound clips onto Myspace? I would think it's pretty easy...I could probably figure it out even...but asking on here sounds like it might be more inclusive of you guys. Once I find out how, I'll put my voice demo up there and you can listen to it! Ha...

Work is great...I attended my first ASM (Assistant Store Manager) meeting yesterday. I'm not really an ASM, but I'm what's called a "Ready-Now Shift Supervisor" and Jenn wanted me to sit in on a meeting. It was fun! We got to go to a store and evaluate them. After experiences like going to another store, it always makes one appreciate the 'home store' so much more. Ray Banks might be working at my store too!

Okay, so now what people may want to hear. First off, this is in regards to the "I'm a fucking moron" post. The second date was...really crappy, quite honestly. We were supposed to go to dinner in Plano, which turned into 'don't know if I can,' which turned into drinks. We went to Mi Cocina at the Shops at Legacy, where after about 5 minutes of awkward "Something's not right here" conversation, she brought up that she read my LJ post about our first date. Apparently, gushing about the date and how well it went and remembering every detail about it is the WRONG move. She told me that she "got that I was probably looking for something she wasn't ready for" and that she wanted to say that up front so that she WASN'T leading me on. *looks back at first date post*...nope. There was no leading on at all. But whatever...we can both do what we want, and we have. I haven't talked to her since. I don't really even care that much if she reads this post...as much as I downplayed it, it was kind of offensive and confusing and just...weird.

OKAY...now, this new girl I'm seeing is someone that my co-worker Jory introduced to me before I went on that first date with Alisha. Jory and I were going into Hobby Lobby, and she notices that her friend is walking in because she works there. We go in, get what things we need, and Jory introduces me to Rachel. She's beautiful - big brown eyes, beautiful smile, quirky personality...and completely opposite of me in most ways. It's strange...on paper, there's no possible way we should be remotely attracted to each other. Viewpoints, politics, lifestyles, future aspirations and dreams, etc....but after REALLY long conversations (until 5 a.m.!!) we decided that we could be okay with those. I insisted that I put my faults up front so that she know what they are and see if it could be workable...and here we are! I think she's great. I think our differences are completely in the line of workable reason, and hey, opposites attract right? Unfortunately, she's going to Texas Tech next year (she'll be 19 in July), and the distance thing will be a little hard on us...I have plans on going to see her every now and then though. It's exciting! We've had several lunch dates, may be going on our first dinner date tonight, and talk a lot to each other.

So that's what's been going on in the last couple of weeks for me! I hope all of you are doing great...congrats to Chrysta who's graduating this week, if I remember correctly!

--{{Matt}}--